Sunday, June 13, 2010


Today I have a conundrum. As the slave I should place first and foremost my Master's needs and wants. I am an independent and opinionated woman. Master always asks me for my opinion and I give it to him. In this case the conundrum is that I know how things should be so we can have a better relationship but I am feeling anxious and bereft about this. Master says he wants to have a sub to play with sometimes in addition to me as a slave. I dread the thought of another woman in the picture. They are so petty and vindictive at times. I also have bad experiences with threesomes and that doesn't help either. Relationships have been ruined over this yet I also know if he doesn't experience life and live a little it will ruin our relationship too. It will create a wedge because he will always wonder what it would have been like to go out, have fun, and experience life before I came along. He will always want it and can't ever fully commit to me because of it. As it is he has problems with commitment. I never doubt how he cares for me and that he loves me with all his heart. I may have his heart but his soul remains elusive to me. I am hoping one day he will look at me and believe that the only person who can possess him completely is me. I have to take the chance that it will be me he wants to do that and if I am not I have to convince myself it is for the best. It is said, "If you love something set it free..." Well, I am setting it free and if it comes back it is mine. I don't think I am jealous but I am attached. I have never had anyone protect or care for me so completely. I have talked to other subs/slaves and they are helping me negotiate the emotional path. Part of that discussion was that I don't mind if he physically gives of himself, but it is his time, his soul, the emotional attachment I am unwilling to share. The only reason sex can't be part of the picture for anyone else is for safe sex reasons. The BDSM law is Safe, Sane, Consensual. The safest is no sex at all. I know he will always come home to me and its not that I don't trust him... its trusting the third party. There will be lots of blogging about this. One sub told me poly wasn't for everyone and I am willing to try it but don't think it is for me. So, to let him be free and keep myself sane I will blog out how I feel and what this means to me. (Additional Note: After much discussion, including with other reputable people in the fetish scene, we have concluded it is just me and him. If something happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't. As time goes by the bond between us deepens and the need to consider anything outside of ourselves diminishes. This journey together has created a very healthy communication between us.)

1 comment:

  1. blogging has helped me through many really difficult times.. mostly I write from the heart and don't much care what anyone else thinks.

    So write away .... and know I will be around reading and watching.. ok???