Today it is Raining

Today it is raining. I didn't sleep well last night. My dreams made me restless. I can't remember what they were. My third son turned 16 today. My youngest will be 14. My third son is not on the right track and it bothers me. I am also coming to terms with the fact that even though my Master and I live well together... due to circumstance I have to find my own place. It causes me anxiety. I would rather stay with my Master but we know we can't. I don't know if part of my anxiety is caused by our turn of events and what he needs to do. Tomorrow I go look at a house. I hope it is nice. If I do get a place at least we will have more privacy to just be with each other. He promised me a collar today. I don't know if that means a private ceremony, or one with friends or a ceremony at all. I don't know when. Just thinking of it no matter what makes me feel elated. I can hardly wait. Hopefully, wearing his collar will help ease the anxiety of me having to find my own place and his need to experience life. I really need to work on my issues of abandonment and rejection. The rain outside echoes my heart and soul.

Conundrum

Today I have a conundrum. As the slave I should place first and foremost my Master's needs and wants. I am an independent and opinionated woman. Master always asks me for my opinion and I give it to him. In this case the conundrum is that I know how things should be so we can have a better relationship but I am feeling anxious and bereft about this. Master says he wants to have a sub to play with sometimes in addition to me as a slave. I dread the thought of another woman in the picture. They are so petty and vindictive at times. I also have bad experiences with threesomes and that doesn't help either. Relationships have been ruined over this yet I also know if he doesn't experience life and live a little it will ruin our relationship too. It will create a wedge because he will always wonder what it would have been like to go out, have fun, and experience life before I came along. He will always want it and can't ever fully commit to me because of it. As it is he has problems with commitment. I never doubt how he cares for me and that he loves me with all his heart. I may have his heart but his soul remains elusive to me. I am hoping one day he will look at me and believe that the only person who can possess him completely is me. I have to take the chance that it will be me he wants to do that and if I am not I have to convince myself it is for the best. It is said, "If you love something set it free..." Well, I am setting it free and if it comes back it is mine. I don't think I am jealous but I am attached. I have never had anyone protect or care for me so completely. I have talked to other subs/slaves and they are helping me negotiate the emotional path. Part of that discussion was that I don't mind if he physically gives of himself, but it is his time, his soul, the emotional attachment I am unwilling to share. The only reason sex can't be part of the picture for anyone else is for safe sex reasons. The BDSM law is Safe, Sane, Consensual. The safest is no sex at all. I know he will always come home to me and its not that I don't trust him... its trusting the third party. There will be lots of blogging about this. One sub told me poly wasn't for everyone and I am willing to try it but don't think it is for me. So, to let him be free and keep myself sane I will blog out how I feel and what this means to me. (Additional Note: After much discussion, including with other reputable people in the fetish scene, we have concluded it is just me and him. If something happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't. As time goes by the bond between us deepens and the need to consider anything outside of ourselves diminishes. This journey together has created a very healthy communication between us.)

First Night Out

Our first date to the fetish club was not a typical first date. We had recently realized our passion for BDSM and as we were already in a relationship moved it to Master/slave. This fetish night was a schoolgirl fashion night, my Master's fantasy... which is after all what fetish nights are about is it not? I wanted to surprise him with his fantasy for an early birthday celebration. I contacted the producer of the show and we set up a small birthday surprise with a poster as a prize... something my Master had mentioned he would like having. I was excited to get all dressed up and go out... the first time I would be wearing my collar which is now a token of our first date. My Master is getting me another collar to wear now. I dressed up in a skirt, boots, and shirt to look like a schoolgirl. I put up my hair in pigtails, painted my nails black and put on my club makeup. I felt beautiful and my Master was pleased.
When we got to the nightclub we paid to get in and relatively few people had arrived. We had time to walk around, get a drink and sit down at a table to watch what was going on. We made ourselves comfortable and got used to the environment. In a little while, as more people were coming in, we found the producer and I introduced my Master to him. The producer gave me a kiss on each cheek and thanked me for coming and my initiative. We then found a table near the stage and watched all the people around us.
It was an array of senses. The music pulsated through every cell of your being and made you all wet and horny just listening to it. In one corner of the stage there were girls being tied up with intricate Japanese knot-work and lifted off the floor. The ropes glowed in the dark and it was an amazing show. In one corner a gentleman helped a girl tie her corset. In another corner several people chatted with each other. A mistress walked in with her slave on a leash and he was carrying her person. When the dancing started a gentleman with a collar and bone dog tag went on stage and danced with abandon. It was easy to get caught up in the atmosphere.
At midnight the fashion show started and the dancing ended for awhile. School girls came running out on stage and performed a dance routine for the audience who clapped and cheered them on. One of the school girls did gymnastics across the stage and it was amazing. After that, a tall, lanky man with shoulder length straight black hair came out and walked across the stage like a model. A slave girl came out and pretended to serve him tea while two other girls were forced to hold a blackboard. A domme came on stage with a rebellious slave and made him spell "I am a bad boy," on the blackboard. When the domme left the stage all hell broke loose and he grabbed some white spray paint to paint "Bitch" on the board, the girls grabbed the guy and tied him up with bondage tape and the slave girl splashed tea in his face. The audience went wild.
Last, but not least, a costume contest was judged, my Master received his poster and was recognized for his birthday, and a lady in a bodystocking was brought on stage where the same gentleman and another lady performed erotic deeds (with massage oil) to erotic music on her for her birthday. The audience whistled and cheered.
Finally, the dancing started again, the music pulsated through me and we watched the people come and go as we became used to this environment. It was an amazing evening. For the next three days my Master and I had a hard time sleeping and all we could do is talk about how wonderful the night had been. We definitely plan on making this a monthly outing.

Why it Works

Today was a perfect example of why this lifestyle works for me. Due to health problems stress takes a toll on me physically even though I have a high stress tolerance level. Currently, I live with my Master yet, due to circumstance, we knew I had to find my own place. My apartment was supposed to be ready for the first of the month and it wasn't. Today is the seventh and I was told it would be done and I went to look at it and it still wasn't ready. I became stressed, anxious and upset. I started crying on the way home because I don't like, or understand, the need for people to try and take advantage of me. Maybe they sense my submissive nature and then try to pressure me into situations I don't want to be in. This is where my Master comes in. He goes into full dominance mode in these situations and becomes very protective and caring of me. He said when I become overwhelmed he will take over and handle this for me. If push comes to shove we will come up with another solution. I told him I knew I was overwhelmed because I was having an anxiety attack. Now it is in Master's hands and he will deal with the situation. I am able to be calmer and feel like I will have been dealt with fairly. This to me was a fine example of the Master/slave relationship and how when I take care of my Master's needs, he takes care of and protects me from those people and situations that would take advantage of my submissive nature.

Bridge Between Our/our Hearts

You whisper “bitch” into my ear
i tremble at the sound of Your voice
Your hands trail down my body
They stop at my nipples
Tweaking and pulling
i gasp and You say
“Don’t make a sound”
You slowly undress me
Your hands linger and caress
Every private place
You slowly bend me over
You take the chain
and slowly whip me
then slide its cold metal across me
i shiver with anticipation
This is only one part of Our/our pact
You deliver pain and pleasure
You protect me, care for me, love me
i bow my head
Waiting to serve Your every need
It is through my servitude
and Your protection
That a bridge is built
between Our/our hearts

Genesis

My genesis was in a strictly religious home. I was given responsibility at a young age. My religion of origin was hierarchical with the man of the head of the house and the woman as the submissive who served her husband, raised her children, and took care of the home. I suppose it was a combination of the early responsibility and the religion that made me predisposed to eventually becoming, and enjoying, the life of servitude as a slave to my Master. The difference is this time I chose the servitude and it did not choose me. My pleasure is derived from his happiness and in return he protects and cares for me.
When I first met my Master it started as a friendship and we met through a common friend. At first we did not live in the same town and we talked everyday. Within a year I would move to where he was at and find my own place. We wanted to take things slowly. Then one day we started researching events in the area so we could go out for our first date. We found a nightclub with a fetish night and decided we would like to attend. We had toyed with BSDM in our conversations but never considered it as a lifestyle. After attending the event on Friday night we knew it was the lifestyle we would adhere too. We had assumed a Master/slave position long before realizing that is what we were doing. This is our story of the BDSM lifestyle and how it works for us.